Sunday, June 15, 2008


Rihanna- Take a Bow

Lets see first things first
My apologies for not making an effort into keeping up with this blog.
Life has been pretty hectic lately. I've been working 40 hour intervals within one pay check, and i barely get to hang with Blogging is def at the bottom of my list :(

Today i will be remembering my grandfathers passing one year ago. It hurts..i still dont think i realized that hes really gone. Let the water works go. UGH. ne wayss other than that, im leaving for MCKC today. My first time being there and im so thankful that i will be going with my friend Ashley. I love her. She gives me a the extra strength that i need whenever i am down in the dumps and let me tell pretty down there.

I will be leaving for Panama this Saturday. I cant believe that its already here. I remember preparing for it about a month ago and now that its finally here im so scared. I hope i dont get sick, or i wont get bitten by crazy weird bugs and get diseases..ha
This Wed the 18th is Tims one year of passing. Wow so much has happened since last summer. I finished my freshman year of college and now soon to be in the second year. Where has the time gone? I feel like my college experience is an overload of just studying and practicing. Not so much fun.

Has anyone seen the Sex and The City movie?! LOVED IT. absolutely adored it. Probably because i feel like Carrie has the right view of love. I mean Big was pretty messed up for leaving her at their wedding...but she got through it. I will too. the whole break up and getting over it thing...which leads to my view on love and relationships at this point in my life.

Im bitter.
Not towards anybody, but the whole universal idea of it.

Its all fun and games until somebody gets really hurt int he end. I for one will never want to give my heart away fully...only because it just sucks getting it stomped on. Love has flaws. Its filled with the negative..and knowing me..i only see the negative in everything. Why?

Why am i like that?
I hate it. Thats one thing i would love to change myself. Is my perspective of the Glass being half empty. I want to be happy, but i feel like someone like me doesnt deserve happiness...and what exactly is that "someone like me" you ask?...well
to be honest i have no idea. I dont really think that God is punishing me in anyway..but i think that loving someone deeply is something i cant do. Hence why i will never get married. Love the idea of it..but the in depth truth about me is, unless someone can show me through and through that love is worth it. I wont accept it. I have come to the conclusion in this point in time of my life...that there is no room to be selfless with somebody else. You need to fight like hell to keep yourself sane and happy with the person that you are.

I have accepted that i cant make someone else sublimely happy. I am who i am. I want to change, but that takes time...and apparently people who have interest in me arent patient enough to deal with the person that i am.

Well lets see how i feel like about three weeks. I'm going to spend my time with God. Pray hard, think deeply and breathe. I just need time. However long that might be.