Tuesday, August 26, 2008

New Start, New city

Me and the Moon- Something Corporate
My life has just become so mundane...
Remember how i said that a lot more would go on now that im at State?
haha...yeah...not really...dont get me wrong
A lot of it has been great. The people im surrounded by..the freedom but im just bored
Im getting over the fact that my partying days have come to a stop..
oh well ill vlog later on..but feel free to give me a shout :) i promise i wont sound as...emo

Sunday, August 3, 2008

You think you know, but you have no idea

One step at a time- Jordan Sparks

Lets see. Im not sad..im not happy..not mad...just...indifferent
I mean sure at first i was so frustrated that water wanted to form in my eyes
but God stopped all that. i was in service this morning with Ashley and the truth is...i wasnt about to shed a tear because of my loss...but because i put so much effort into what i HAVE gained...
For those of you who are very confused my apologies..and those of you who are reading and know EXACTLY what im talking about...dont think im being emo. I need to vent and the only way possible to do that is by writing. So here it goes my fingers are going to start yelling...

I found that the biggest struggle i had to conquer was myself. I guess when people say that saying "you are your own worse critic."...Its so unbelievably true. I took every flaw that i had and i magnified it times a million. I guess its kind of sad and pathetic if you think about it. I mean you get so insecure about the littlest thing. Like "am i talking funny..", "Do i look fat in this shirt.", "Are they lying to me because they dont want to hurt me, or is it really the truth..and if it is the truth..whats so wrong with me."...Its vicious how your mind will keep playing these thoughts in your head. With Mexico coming in 2 days i guess i understand why ive been feeling like a shadow has consumed me. I'm being attacked. The seed i had planted, countless months ago just started to form and bared fruit in Panama. It was just the tip of the ice berg, and i grew spiritually more at home... I was away from the Missions atmosphere and i brought it back to my home town and became more active with my faith. I was doing so well...so whats the problem now you ask?

It's that everytime i take 3 steps forward...i go back one. Change doesnt happen over night, for some that may be a miracle but for people like me...it takes me a LONG time to warm up to things. I guess what really triggered my emotions is last night i was talking with a couple friends and i learned about a certain person. I thought i knew this person inside and out...i saw past their flaws and accepted the fact that God wanted to use them as a steward...a humble servent. That may in fact be true, but after i heard things i started to judge. Thats where i fell at that moment. I mean who am i to judge right? I too, am in fact guilty of being a hypocrite in God's eyes...but to hear bad things about the person you love...it hurts you more than it hurts them. But then here is where the love part comes in. I still dont know what it is. I have said it before, thought it before...but really was I? The answer is NO. I have never romantically loved another. I thought my view on love had changed, and it has since Panama. 2 times in fact. First, I opened myself up and said my healing has finished...i have been healed and my heart has been healed..i can breathe now...but no, my heart has JUST started healing..finally the scab is starting to form. It was an open wound that kept on getting more and more tainted with...but i have learned to stop the bleeding. I thought (yes THOUGHT) i could give a heart so pure for another, but there is no such thing. We are born sinners and we will die sinners. our pure hearts will always have a stain on it, only because our all will never be enough. But now my view on it is that I can search through and through for the answer, but i will never find it. I just feel stupid...like helpless in all matters about that subject because i thought i could put love into words..but i cant. In 1 Corinthians 13 it talks about the Love is Patient, Love is kind mumbo jumbo and that verse is truth. It doesnt lie, but that unconditional love is non-existent with the human flesh. Only can you have this love for God, and even then it's conditional. We still blame him for things that we fall short of...but we can receive it. It's always there waiting for us..that unconditional love. I'm so thankful to have that gift.

So this takes me back to being bitter. I'm just thankful that God had really guarded my heart. Things could have been worse. I could be a mess right now, but i'm not. Im strong and nothing will bring me down, especially feelings towards another who clearly wasnt keeping my best interest in mind. I am no longer going to acknowledge that i have a history with anybody..that its a clean slate and God has granted that for me. Here is where its cut and dry. Here is where my "now" starts... I will accept the things that cant be accepted and keep pressing onward. There is no use in being a Debbie downer when life can only get better from here. Until that day...that day where i can put Love into words...Ill keep trying to be the better person and stay happy. I dont ever want to lose touch with myself again. I will never turn my cheek the opposite way of what God wanted me to do. So as of now. I will not get involved with anyone..i will not be angry...but try to put my past in the past..and forget any foolish thoughts i had..because lets face it...they were foolish and naive. Its better to be blissful than bitter :)