Monday, December 29, 2008

Jane and Ashley day

SOOO finally got to hang out with Ashley! yay...she went to cancun for christmas that lucky poop. She came back last night and we spent some time v-chatting it up and playing isketch(sort of cheating on it) haha...butttt we made a video..since we havent in forever..skip it if you dont want to laugh =D

Sunday, December 28, 2008

You Got Mail

Dear Friend,
I'm writing to all of you just to tell you. I am not emo. HAHA im so sorry that i come off that way. yes i have the "issues" in my life, and i probably shouldnt voice them out to the world wide web but it is what it is. There is no use in hiding my life. I want to live as a testimony to other people, so they know that...regular christians, strong faith believers do get the short end of the stick. I know i'm not happy with my life, but at the same time i'm so thankful. I apologize to all who feel uncomfortable reading what i write. I'm sure a lot of you love the random pictures/random posts(or not love)...in any case my life is not fabricated. It is short of being perfect but I try my best to get by. I want to say one thing though.
I am selfish.
I do selfish things without even noticing them. it was very Selfish of me for hating my brother, it is Selfish of me for wanting a better family life, it is Selfish of me to envy others.  I only say this because i know what it is to be humble.  I know what it is to feel Gods love even when i dont from the parents he has chosen for me.  I want to be a stronger person and grow in spirituality.  One problem though.  My pride.
I am a very proud person.  I like to show off my accomplishments, the people who i hang out with, the materialistic values i have, and the fact that i can overcome overbearing burdens.  I need to break that down.  It is not I who blessed myself with the things i am proud of.  It is God who has blessed me with all things possible in my life.  Just a thought.  A goal.  An insight of what my mind is thinking about at this very moment.

I miss Cosi smores. sigh..i guess ill just have to wait until i can make them again...
Which also leads me to why i started off my blog with Dear Friend.
Have any of you watched You Got Mail?  Starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?....I love that movie.  It reminds me so much of Stephen.  HAHA yeah i know, laugh at that statement.  It's true though.  I think of him as my dearest friend that i connect mostly to through the internet/skype due to distance.  It's like writing him a letter everyday.  There's something about talking to someone though paper and when in person.  I feel when you write, you can write something deeper and you know just that "man that was good" feeling.  Like quotes, I love quotes.  The clever ones.  The deep ones.  The ones that make so much sense in one or two sentences.  I like Audrey Hepburn. Not because of her acting, but because of the things she says.  It's witty, clever, and it makes so much sense.  She sounds incredibly intelligent even though she may or may not be.  The point is.  I want to say things on paper, have people look at it and go "man that was good" and feel satisfied knowing, someone else could make sense of what i was saying.

Alrighty, well New years is almost here! WOOWOO.  We'll make a list of things later on as to what i want for the new year.

Oh BTW. i changed the layout yet again. I thought that it was time to move away from the Christmas theme since it has passed. Now its the more sophisticated Jane. hehe =D

Saturday, December 27, 2008

So saturday.

Typical lazy day. things have calmed down with the family over night. Except i still feel a lot of bitterness. Lately ive been getting really weird dreams..with very random people. I dont understand why. Oh well haha...i wish i were the older sister..that would have been a lot of fun. Anyways...im off to go do Saturday things with Saturday people

toodles

Friday, December 26, 2008

The day after...

So you think Christmas might be bad, think again. The day after Christmas is the worse. Everyones exhausted about thinking for the holidays...I know this year i've thought about where my life was a year ago. My family was happier,a little more cheerful,and our circumstances werent as extreme. This year all i face is just the constant burden of what my family will do next and how ill feel about it. I'm honestly sick of what my parents do. I try to understand their part of it and i argue that they're doing the best they can. No. I realize now, my parents aren't doing their best in the right way. They aren't on their knees praying to God and asking for his blessings, they are taking things into their own hands and solemnly ruining their lives along with mine. Dramatic? I agree. I agree that my parents do the extreme in order to please their oldest son. They do whatever he wants in order to avoid one of his temper tantrums. Even if it runs them into debt. Even if it cuts down all their respects to a minimum. It disgusts me to watch my dad talk to my brother. My brother acts as if he has authority, his life is the center of the universe and it doesnt matter what it takes or what life hes going to break down in order to get what he wants. He's malicious and callous. I have so much bitterness towards him and i thought i forgave all that. I thought that i forgave all the wrong doings hes done in my life and i wanted to start a fresh again with him. There is no love left in my heart to just give away. I want to put a fortress around me so i cant get hurt anymore. He's so destructive and even though their is no physical harm towards me...all i feel is pain. I feel so stuck and frustrated and i dont know where to go, who to talk to what to say, how to explain things because all of this is so surreal. I deal with it and im going to keep on dealing with it because this is the life that God has chosen for me, for whatever reason that may be. All i want, all i truly want..is them to notice the cross. Feel the blood shed and to change their lives. I cant help it but to lose respect everyday and feel less love in my heart. I dont want to be cold. I really dont. I know my heart has the capacity to change many things. I just dont see why i cant help change the ones most dear to my life. Hopefully if i'm lucky this year, they'll remember me and maybe feel a little bit of regret of not knowing who i am. Maybe this year my parents will notice me and ask me how im doing in school. maybe this year my brother wont destruct anything in my home or break down another character trait that i love about my parents. These are my wishes. These are my prayers.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wh does it seem that every Christmas, only the worse possible things can happen. I dont really like this season because it brings me so many burdens..and because its so "must have the christmas spirit", it's more of a let down when i know my family doesnt follow through with plans. I feel as though i am like Charlie Brown. He just never catches a break. He really doesnt. I hate sounding like a Debbie downer, but man oh man...things just dont fall into place at the times that i want them to. But then again..i promised myself i would struggle, just so i can praise God later for it. SO COME ON LIFE. WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE FOR ME.

Oh yeah and...
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Monday, December 22, 2008

my toes are turning into icicles

im freezing. All i want for christmas is a heater that can be put into my room so then ill stop waking up in the middle of the night because my covers fell off

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Baby its cold outside...

Ive been listening to this song all day
Con Te Partiro-Andrea Bocelli
makes me miss my voice lessons
makes me miss my friends from OU
haha only because this one time
i was like ohhh i really like her!

and my friend Maggie was like...Andrea Bocelli is a man...
i felt so stupid! BUT in my defense, the only reason i thought that, was because i thought they were talking about
Cecilia Bartoli..yeah huge mistake..but yeah

MUHAHAH
COUNT DOWN FOR CHRISTMAS IS 4 days!!!!!!!!!!! =D

Friday, December 19, 2008

bitter sweet

I love the snow...but not when i have to shovel the driveway for an hour 1/2.
Last night was the christmas dinner with all the girls back in Troy which was sooo good
the food was so delicious!
video

The rest of my pictures are up on Facebook, but seriously spending time and catching up is so much fun...
but seriously this weather is driving me crazy...its ridiculous...bahhh
but christmas is so soon, and i just remember this time of year last year was a lot crazier for me. And the snow wasnt as heavy but hopefully ill see a white christmas =)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

slumber

The reason why i love sleeping is because then i dont have to realize im living.
Not because im depressed, not because i'm emo but because
dreaming brings me messages..reality brings me burdens
but i guess living my dreams will be a way of deciphering myself.

Monday, December 15, 2008

i want a tear jerker movie.

Lately, i have been wanting to cry. Maybe its because i've been a little down in the dumps lately, but today and last night was okay. I am officially okay :) very content..and accepting fate as it comes. I had two bowls of spaghetti today and an apple. GOSH i love carbs...but since it is the holiday season i really need to stop hibernating at home and start being active. Although its super cold here in Michigan, im being thankful for all i have. Except this is one thing i am NOT thankful for. My brother being home. Not my brother, but the fact that he is home. I dont like it because he smokes. ONE THING I AM SO NOT FOND OF. THE OTHER PART IS. HE SMOKES IN THE HOUSE. My dads in Korea right now and my mom is at work for most of the day, so he just puffs away in his room...having the smell lingering around my door and his room smells like an ash tray. There is no controlling his actions. Honestly...HONESTLY. he is very selfish. He is the one selfish person i know in this world that does not have a guilty conscious. I sort of want him to go back to East Lansing so i can feel at peace. But that's so mean..and i feel bad for feeling this way. Oh well..ill just hace to have smoggy lungs to keep him around. Alyssa comes home tomorrow which im so excited about. She always makes me feel good. She always has a way to make me smile and entertain me. Hehe yay!

Can you believe that christmas is next week?! im so oblivious to the holidays this year. Maybe because my neighborhood is a bit lazy..there arent as many lights as there were last year...sooner or later...im scared that the holidays will be forgotten. Even during black friday..the hype was not big at all. Okay well i think im gonna do some more holiday thinking hehe (PRESENTS)...
send me an address so i can send out xmas cards =)


[says it all]

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Brooke Fraser-Love is waiting

In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
i watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well


I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, im singing for the strangers about you
dont keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
the bets are getting surer now that you're my man

I could right a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

TWO MORE TO GO WOOO WOOO!


I've been spending more time in the library than i have in my bed for the past 3 days. BUT ITS OKAY its all worth it. HAHA plus its not like i was doing work for the past 20 minutes ive been here...i smell McDonalds and it kinda smells good...haha wow im turning into such alittle fatty..but its okay =) i like it...hehe
so one thing that bothers me about the library is the amount of asians in here. I mean yes im asian to...but its so uncomfortable for me when they all stare at me...and i DONT KNOW THEM. so stop looking..MY GOODNESS...haha especially these two guys who are sitting behind me right now i think they were laughing at me...cause i was doing photobooth...hahahah but its okay

OMGOMGOMG ENOUGH
okay no more procrastinating...BACK TO WORK SLAVE!


OMG hahahahahhahahahah i cant stop laughing..WHY?! LOL in all places that you can nap with your boyfriend...why would you do it at the business library...oh how people are funny

Sunday, December 7, 2008

My Holiday List

OKAY so i just got super excited. Im sitting in Bus library yet again trying to study. I did finish my exam review for tomorrows exam and I finally got through the Hadj hehe...so here it goes this is what im going to do on break

1. Snowboarding
2. Sledding
3. Make Christmas cards and send them out
4. Go shopping for gifts!! and then wrap them =D hehe
5. Make gingerbread men
6. Bake a holiday cake
7. Ice skating
8. Hopefully a musical of some sort
9. Watch movies
10. Make hot chocolate and knit
11. Listen to Christmas Music
12. Find a job?!


i am so short. why god why...couldnt you bless me with 2-3 more inches...with that i would have been so satisfied...sigh its okay i suppose...oh well...i am who i am..atleast i can wear shirts as dresses! XP hahahahah..thats a plus and i can wear the biggest shoes in the world and i'd still be decent height...and the man im going to marry is the perfect height for me..so that makes me happy...hhahha =D okay enough of that..
(guess where i am...other than the bathroom)

STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY...BAHHH HUM BUGGGG

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Good people...

I have realized that i am surrounded by beautiful, smart, amazing, and talented people. I'm so glad that there are such passionate people at this school. Today i spent time with friends and just had a good time talking about life and relationship. I can relate so much to my friends and i can relate so much to their lives even if we don't really have similar stories. Tonight was KCF banquet and surprisingly it was better than i expected. I really didnt want to go at first and i was pretty hesitant...especially because i had NOTHING to wear...but i put something together last minute..and i was pretty satisfied..so i guess it was a good idea to go, because i got to spend more time with the people i care about. I really love my friends. New and Old =D but i really am excited for the apartment next year...but then again..ill miss dorm life and not worrying about cars and bills haha ...whatev...it will be nice to have a car though...

SOOO i'm praying for good timing...
lets ship shape things up guys!


yay flashyness! hahahah

Thursday, December 4, 2008

library

So last night i decided to go to the library with Josh and met up with Kirstie later...just so i could fool around and get absolutely no work done...omgoodness...im so screwed for finals...i have like no motivation haha but anyways...saw Peter and it was very interesting puhaha...we v-chatted while he was hitting the lib too...but then i decided to invite Ashley too and we all had a little reunion

I have so much to do right now...but in thirty minutes...i will be officially done with classes! YESSSS =D haha...
this year i have learned
what coffee really does to you
how much support is around me
how positive i feel about dorming
how happy i am, to be away for college
=D

but on that note...coffee
is
the
devil
two nights ago at Main...i about died from OD on caffine...it kept me pretty wired

yes thats me. holding coffee...FOR FREE =D
i got one of them from TTO (which totally sucked)
then another yummy one from spartys that jacob picked me up! woo woo go jacob

Last nights christmas dinner in shaw was so delicious! well for the most part...the best part was of course...
THE DESSERTS!!!

i got a GINGERBREAD MAN. it was so cute =D and i picked two of them up from TTO...
goal over break- make gingerbread men =D hehe


aw theyre so cute!

WELLLLLLL then enough of that....updates later!!! =)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

goodbye Anp 270

one thing i pride myself on is honesty. I think im a pretty honest person.
I love genuine people..im hoping that i could be more of it
i just finished my first final. Thank you God. It's finally over.
Take home final due tomorrow...and then three more next week.
Im going to be alright. Breathe. breathe. breathe. sleep. sleep. sleep.
i need more sleep.
sigh
yeah...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekenddddd starts tomorrow= 15 more chapters of Islam =/

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

last week of classes 0_0

So....classes are finished for the semester on Thursday for me. CRAZY. The semester went by so fast. I can believe how fast i adjusted to this school. I'm so worried as far as finals go, but i think ill survive...even if i do REALLY poorly in my classes...just goes to show...the probability of doing better in a smaller classroom is so true...forrrr reals. That means next semester i know how NOT to screw up. How to really spend my time. How to NOT talk on the phone so much..and be obsessed with the internet...so that means i may be blogging less :-/ who knows...but all i know is...after next week...ITS BREAK TIME BABY! woooot wooooooot =D hehe...okay so this one dress i wanted from Urban totally didnt get delivered so i have to wait for it to be refunded into my account..sighhh and i just spent 130 dollars for a traffic ticket i got. So gay. whatever ne ways..i need ajob..not like im going anywhere over break. OHHH man one month of just playing and what not :) yay!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Changes...

So far, the year has been going pretty pleasant. Thanksgiving break..was...amazing...i wish i could capture it and keep it forever. Or atleast make time stand still...but i cant...only good things can come in the future..i really need to stop thinking about the bad. So last night i started to read Job. The tests he went through...the faith that was never faltered..(well for now atleast...i only got to ch 7)...but it just made me think. God took away all he had. He took his family, his live stock, his everything..but he was still on his knees. If one thing i know is, God likes to test us. He likes to know how far our limits are and how much we're willing to with stand for him. I'm crazy for my faith. I wish i was more intimate with it...im still skimming the top of my faith..but when i take the plunge, i know ill be entranced with love. it's hard to explain to my friends about what i feel about my faith. Some people will think im crazy for believing in what i do...but its truth. To me its life. To me its air. To me its important...
I'm honestly scared for my future.
Not just the money making aspects...but my family. Where will my parents be when i get married and have children...will they still be around? Will they be working as hard as they do later on..when will they get a break...i think that my life is so chaotic and so...messed up sometimes...but i think about my parents...and wonder about how the see me...i mean
do they see that their child is going through tough times...
I really dont think it phases them.
I thought i was pretty numb, but how numb could they be?...more than me i bet...
My dad listens..but he never hears me. he never understands...but i think he doesnt want to believe that his kid could be sad. That he might have a factor into how my life truly is. I hate this pity party...i want to be happy. the best thing i can do for my family...is keep my spirits high, set aside my anger and have patience. I'm striving for patience. Ill wait. For relationships, family, and whatever is to come..just because i know it will be worth it in the end. When i have free time i want to praise him. I want to sing. I want to do so many things..but something...a little something is holding me back....i have to figure out what it is...and really wrestle with God for my faith.



its going to be a white christmas..i can feel it