Friday, November 28, 2008

I am...

so tired
so exhausted
so hurt
so excited
so present
so faded

on my knees.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving break

i anticipated this for so long. Having this week to myself. Waiting patiently for something amazing to happen, just because i would spend it with someone i truly care about. What sucks about this week, is that its so perfect...but so temporary. I have to wait...again...

This will make no sense to all. But i am again lost with myself only to find God again. I have never felt so much pain..happiness is included..being nervous about the future is mixed in too...i can only wait..and be thankful.

Friday, November 21, 2008

watch it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


well hello there people
MY PRESENTATION IS OVER!!!!! thank you Jesus!!! and my last class got cancelled...AND my prof is letting me turn in my paper early so that means no classes TUESDAY!! the day i get to see the snowman!! :) MUHAHAHA

so it is Unicefs universal childrens day. Basically a day to celebrate children and their rights! SO GO YOU KIDS wooty!! :)
i painted the rock yesterday (well a part of it) now that i did that, i can really graduate from MSU! hahaha


i really like the t-shirts they made this year :)

So anyways im sitting in my religion class right now...and right when i came to park my bike..i guess i got off to quickly and fell embarrassing...luckily there was no one around ...

okay so ash might come up tonite..that means
=D yay! cant wait

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


First let me start off saying...i hate making appointments and keeping them, and the other person doesnt. it makes me so mad.
For my Com 275 class i have to sign up for these experiments in order to receive credit for the class. I signed up for one at 2-2:30 and 6-7. I left my first class of Tuesday early so i could make it on time for the experiment. I get there 5 minutes early. The classroom its held in is huge, so they separated it with these movable separator i waited in the part where no one was in. I looked at my was before 2:00 so i thought, hearing noise from the other room that the previous experiment was running a little bit i wanted 5, 10, 15 minutes...then another girl walks in and goes "are you here for the experiment" and i go yeah..and she goes "well i was here around 1:50 waiting outside, so whatevers going on in that room over there started before 2 o i am super confused by the girl peeks through the crack of the separator, the TA comes out and goes are you here for the experiment and we both say yes.and she goes..well you guys are too late...and we both explain to her that we were here before 2 and she says no thats not true because she announced for everyone to come in. THAT MADE ME SO MAD. so i have to re-sign up for that experiment for another day. Then later on during the day, after my group and i worked on our presentation stuff...i go to the Oyer building which is a 10 min bike ride from my dorm..i go there...from 5:45-6:! one shows up except two other students. I WAS SO MAD. So i e-mailed somebody and they gave me credit anyways for showing up. so atleast thats good. but still if you make an appointment you should try to keep it at the exact time! UGH....

SO THIS MORNING...i goto and about 4 other students show up..the class was cancelled but there was no e-mail on it. I HATE THAT. i called Eunice and she told me it was cancelled becasue of some reason, but we never got notice of it through an e-mail. THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMMUNICATION. im telling you...this week has been pissing me off. AH.

OKay another thing...i NEVER listen to korean music...but for some reason this showed up on youtube haha and i really liked it!!!

shes a sick dancer ill give her that much fer sure

Monday, November 17, 2008


Im so excited for thanksgiving break! One more week =D eeeeeep
so this week schedule is as follows

Today: classes, experiment 2:00-2:30, IAH until 4:20, then go work out, eat dinner, go to bible study
Tuesday: wake up, go to class at 12:40, leave class early go to experiement at 2:00-2:30, then meeting with our com 240 TA to talk about our presentation, then at 3:30ish, meet with group to film commercial for our presentation on Thursday, then 6-7 another experiement
Wednesday: Classes..start from 10:20-4:20, then write religion paper
Thursday: Presentation at 10:20, turn in paper, recitation
Friday: Write paper for IAH due on Monday, Praise night at KCF
Saturday: Finish up IAH paper, go home...
Sunday: get car, clean house, drive to Ann Arbor if i decide not to go to classes on Monday
Tuesday: STEPHEN =D
Wednesday: NO CLASSES
Thursday: Thanksgiving!
Friday: shopppinggg!!!!!!

OHKAY so that was more than this week...but still haha gotta get all the crap out of the way then time to have fun with the boy and family =D

oh break...youre so close, yet so far!

oh and p.s SNOW?! wow. the flakes were super thick last night...and im freeeeeezing!

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Last night i went to bed pretty late. Not that i wanted to, but it just so happened to turn out that way...
I woke up super early this morning to go check out Ninas church. It was a Russian Christian Orthodox church, and man was it so totally different from the set up at my church. It is so formal and the singing is so ancient. The church itself was gorgeous, but some of the things that were happening during service, it was so organized and scripted. literally scripted. There was a book with the songs in it (with no music notes, just the words). Most of them came from the book of psalms. My feet were killing me by the end of the service because the whole time youre standing up. The sermon was about 3 minutes long, and the rest was all singing, kissing the cross, communion and watching the priest blessing the holy script and what not. It's so crazy to see that even though the people were Gods people, and they were still worshipping the same was just so impersonal for me. But of course thats because this is the first time being exposed to such a service. Good experience though. The only work i got done this weekend was my group project. I understand that people have busy schedules, but i want to get my work done and try my best to put my effort in to the project. Maybe its because i dont want to be mean to the people but this one girl hasnt showed up to one meeting and did practically nothing for the project and yea. Sucks. But whatever, i guess its the price you pay for trying to lead the show. Anyways, i've been knitting =D haha...i just picked it up. I saw that Liz was having a lot of fun with it so i wanted to try it to. One thing that makes me really mad though is, when im napping (which i really dont mind it) the lights are on in my room..but otherwise, my roommate always turns off the light. Seriously i hate sitting in the dark with just my lamp on. It's really annoying. But what can I do. Plus that whole not eating desserts thing was so hard. I caved when i went home and ate that mochi. No more. Today was the last cookie. Starting tomorrow, its back to no more sweets. I cant do it anymore. haha, only once in awhile, but not a continuous day after day thing. BAH. okay time to go do something else instead of blogging. Have a good week guys...oh and

9 more days =D EEP! so excited!!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

I miss traveling

Dont wanna lose you now- Backstreet Boys

I'm really starting to miss summer now, especially since the weather is getting colder and colder...
As you all probably know by now, summer was just the start of a turning point in my life. Events can and will change your life. I'm so thankful for mine. Except i feel the hurt is ten times worse now but ten times quicker to heal. I'm not really sure whats going to happen this upcoming summer but im starting to think that i shouldnt plan and just let things that are suppose to happen, happen. That might not be the best thing that i want, but i hope it will turn out to be amazing. I miss Alyssa a lot too. She's at Michigan and i tell her everything. Absolutely everything that keeps me sad or happy or just scares me in general. She seriously is one of the best friends people could ask for. Amazing at everything when it comes to putting your friendship first. Shes great =D so thank you Alyssa!

I have this thing where i like to write letters to everyone that live out of state and in-state as long as they write back. But even though i get no response back, im so happy to write to everyone because i like them to know that im still thinking about them. Because of the huge impact in my life, they were the ones to support me in physical form when i needed it. So to my brothers and sisters that i never had..thank you.

My parents have been doing a lot better as to trying to show me their love. I learned that people have different love languages and Stephen keeps on reminding me that my parents have different ones from me. They obviously love me cause theyre my parents...but sometimes i wonder, maybe they dont receive enough love from me. It's so easy to be bitter at them and never take the time to truly show that I CARE and that i want them to care, but ultimately i really DO care.
School is almost over. AH so crazy. The semester flew by so fast! theres only like 3 weeks left until finals. I'm proud to say that i survived my semester (well we'll see what i say in 3 weeks haha) but im thankful that i was brought here for whatever reason that may be. Although i do wish i were doing music :( It's okay..ill find a way...

On a side note....i've been thinking about what happened to me about over 2 years ago.
I just want to say that, i was being selfish and even though i was really really really hurt and scarred...i forgave the wrong person first. I know there shouldnt be a who should be forgiven first scenario, but at the time...i was so naive and i gave my attention to the wrong people. To the girl, who i hurt first. I'm sorry. You had every right to be mad at me. i wish i could just apologize to you in person, but i'm too embaressed. To the other girl who hurt me. Although i know you arent sorry for any of your actions and that you think youre right. I'm sorry that you have to feel the way you do. I know youre messed up...but as much as you say you dont care, you do. So i'm sorry that i have been on your mind in a negative way for so long. And to the boy. You did a lot to be a jerk, still are a jerk, and sometimes i wish you would just want to change and meet God more. But, all i can do is pray for you..and even though i forgave you and asked for not going to take that back...but i had a right to be mad at you. But i asked for healing and i was blessed with it. So i'm sorry that ive been dwelling on the past. I will move on.

OKAY that was like something most of you will NOT understand...but haha whatever :)
KAY have a great weekend...!

Thursday, November 13, 2008


yellow submarine- Beatles

Skype is so interesting. HA...
the week is over again...that day closer to THANKSGIVING =D

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


If i were a boy-Beyonce
I am sitting here in Wells before hour early like usual haha..i dont like walking all the way back to my dorm so i always come super early and either sit on my computer, do the reading right before class, or just sit. yeah basically be a pile. So i ordered this dress on urban Outfitters. i love it. I've been gawking at it for about a month was 88 (to expensive for it) so i passed, than it went to 49 ( was willing to buy it but since shipping was expensive i wanted to buy it in the store but they didnt have it) and then it went to 29 online. SO I PURCHASED RIGHT AWAY. i got the LAST small in black of that dress. Exactly what i wanted. The reviews looked pretty good so im hoping that it will look good on. I'm still anticipating Thanksgiving Break. I just want to get my two papers out of the way and just relax. It shouldnt be too bad though. I AM REALLY HATING Michigan weather. FOR REALS. i mean if it snows, than cool..but if its raining and just gross..NOT COOL...

When i walk, i guess i kick my feet back weird somehow and always end up with wet tops. I hate it. it stains funny and my toes get super cold. So today i wore tights, and socks. The holes in the pants are in no convenience and since i have not done my laundry in two weeks...i just wore these cause the bottoms were dirty ne ways. im a little bum.

Yesterday i went to shaw gym and this song came on. The one i just posted up there...i really like it! and its so true! it's one of those songs girls should listen to when they get their hearts broken...butt im not heart broken at ALL haha but i like the beat and the lyrics :)
Today is the Unicef meeting. i feel like all these clubs are just a hassle. I see them not really doing much for the poor children in Africa. I dont know i guess to me, you actually need to go there and help then yourself with your own probably just saying this cause i really want to go to Africa. hahaha =D BUT MY stomach will not stop grumbling. Im super hungry but i wont get out of class until 4:20 and its only 2:30 right now...AND i have dinner plans with liz, so i dont want to eat before she comes, otherwise ill just be too full. So maybe ill go workout before i meet up with her and kill an hour 1/2...

OKK see ya

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Pictures on my wall

For Good- Wicked
--k update

so im sitting in class right now, and the co-founder/CEO of biggby coffee is here. haha he graduate from MSU and you know what i get from his presentation?! absolutely nothing...i realized that i wont be doing anything with what this class is about..well actually idk.haha i guess im just being bitter because i want to be doing music rather than this...
Anyways,Thanksgiving is so close, yet so far...i cant wait..cause then ill be able to see Stephen :) yay! im excited for that and foods...haha well that is if we do celebrate this Thanksgiving with the fam...One thing i noticed about my family is that, we dont celebrate. I'm the type that loves to celebrate everything and plan events..but its such a hassle for sad
I miss church. i wish troy was here just so i could see the youth kids and go to church there with the rest of my "family" haha =D but small groups here are pretty okay...
Ohhh time has passed...
i want to go away for break. A TRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anybody wanna do some traveling?!
NYC perhaps?! haha...
So my roommates have been kindaaa getting on my nerves. Not that they do anything directly to annoy me. But im the only one who takes the trash out and try to keep my area some what presentable and clean...the one next to me..she sees the trash pile up but does nothing about it..and shes in the room a lot so i dont understand why she cant just get up and move something...although i give her props for dusting the WHOLE room like 2 weeks ago. The other roommate does the same thing with the trash. I couldnt take it anymore so i caved in and finally took it out 2 days ago. 3 bags. yeah...not the ones the dorm gives us..but the white ones from the supermarket...bahhh

you know i complain a lot so here is some praise:
Praise God

Last night at Small groups we were talking about Wicked, so i was inspired to listen to For Good. Love this song:) ahaha i remember Sarah and Rachel singing it at Interlochen for one of their broadway songs. Ahh the memories. Speaking of, i thought i would bring up some old photos =) haha

oh how time passes...0_0


Monday, November 10, 2008

Snow...Should have known..

clockwatching-Jason Mraz
it is now 33 degrees outside, when 3 days ago it was almost 70 and sunny...yeah thats michigan for you...haha look at this

that was the end of last week..

This was today.


I had a very productive weekend, i got all my reading done for my exam tomorrow and i did the study guide 2 days before the exam, something i have not done this year...haha =) i think ill perform better on this exam than the other the other day Dan Bang and i sang together for praise night and im excited! hes a good teacher..and an awesome song writer so go check out some of his stuff....

I keep thinking about the regret i have for leaving my music path, but for now its the best possible thing. I really need to start focusing on the ministry aspect of my life. Something thats much more important than what I want in life. Hopefully i can get back into it sometime later...
so i have a confession...i've been avoiding my dads phone calls...i know thats really bad, but everytime i talk to him...i feel so much more miserable only because he is totally desensitized to how he might hurt my feelings by showing that he does NOT care about how i feel or how im doing at school...and if he does as the question "how are you doing?" just leads to the second part...the real reason why hes calling me..."can you do my e-mails for me.."...he never lets me finish the question by answering him...but whatever...i guess thats him..and he wont change...

The season is really starting to kick in especially now that the weather is a lot more chillier and all the holiday decorations are up on the really excited for thanksgiving break and winter break. Ahhhh cannot wait to go shopping at somerset and seeing my friends and watching xmas movies...and 100.3!!! the alllll the time christmas station.. =) hopefully i wont have anyyy flat tires this winter..(crossing my fingers and praying). Last winter i had not 1,2,or 3 flat tires...i had 7!!!!! I KNOW RIGHT..and let me tell you, those tires are not cheap...ahhh

so my roommate has this program on her computer called comic life and i love it! haha its a lot of fun! :) i could make my own comic book, but instead i play around with my pictures and do this:

okay thats enough of that...seeeya!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

so bothered...and disgusted...

I just came back from the girls bathroom. Not to mention i checked out the single bathroom. Let me tell you. Anytime i go in there, there has to be a surprise left in the toilet. SICK. and its not even like your regular stuff..its like discolored, messy, gooey...idk these words are just making me want to vomit in my mouth. The point is, you would think being an all womens bathroom it wouldnt look that is...i wonder if the guys bathroom is that dirty too...?...hmm

on a side note, Pastor David came to KCF last nite at MSU. It was good seeing him along with other familiar faces. It was awesome, because after we all went out to eat at Dennys, pastor David was talking about THM missions this summer. He asked if would want to be involved and you know me..i love missions work. The other night i had a dream that i was going to Africa. Weird huh..haha but i have proof of it too..

October 28, 2008
oo88: what
jkainme: i really want to go to africa now

okay thats not like SOLID proof, but i did talk about it with stephen and it was so crazy to hear pastor david say that theres an affordable opportunity to go THIS summer....

ahhh i want to pray more about it...
i ahve so much reading to do
but wowww the weather is super chilly now...crazynessss
and we won against purdue! hooray =D

alrighty back to work....

Friday, November 7, 2008

4 days of sun

Broken- Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a sunny day, Not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain.
My defenses hit the ground, and they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I find strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken, in a million little pieces
And you're trying, but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken.

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up.
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are.
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking

[no, im not depressed...just need more encouragement than im getting]

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Its Thursday

Mi pan Mi luz- marcos Witt

Im glad i can finally say its Thursday. I just have three classes and im done. Im about to go down to eat breakfast =D then friday comes (study day) then saturday (study day) and then sunday (church day) hoping that i will catch up on A LOT of sleep this weekend. REALLY. haha...but the weather is suppose to stay AMAZING today so im excited =D hopefully i will actually get a run in today..haha who knows maybe go out later if the weather keeps me perky.

the tears are gone...
i just gotta keep fighting you know?
so i just read that coffee has virtually like no calories and the reason that theyre so calorie filled in starbucks and stuff is because of the additives such as sugar, sweeteners, and creame. Is the coffee at state TTO just the powder and water mixed? because if it is..then YAY hahaha =D
im starting to acquire the taste..which is CRAZY since i hated coffee before

Look how happy i look! hahahha wowww its starting to kick in
OKAYY since i have NO class tomorrow
im taking a breather tonite and just chillllaxin yooo!!! :)

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Final Exam of the week

kiss the rain- yiruma

I am done with my exams...FOR THIS WEEK.
more to come next...ughh UGHHHHHHHHHHH

so i got my score back from my first exam on monday. i passed. but yeah...if i dont do amazing for my final i will possibly repeat this class over. eff my life.

last nite i boycotted facebook. The real first time actually did and it lasted one night. i want to get rid of it..but...i..cant...
someone do it for me! T_T

i need peace and quiet. perhaps a nap..maybe tomorrow...
seeing as i have class until 4:20...then extra credit thing at 5:15-6...then BS at 7:30-whenever.
ah going to bed before midnight tonight. YES. sounds like a plan. sorry for the yuck update.
Although, the weather is quite GORGEOUS outside...thank god..otherwise i would have probably been completely miserable today

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day

Holiday- Green Day

So i guess i chose this song since it was political. HAHA thought it was appropriate
SOOO Guess what guys...

i rocked the vote :P
hahaha i woke up at 8:30 this morning to meet up jason, rob, and Wbin to go vote at owen. Good thing we got there early because the lines were ridiculously short :) my first voting experience was very very good. Sad thing is i had no idea who to vote for and what the proposals were. I guess i should brush up on that stuff before i actually go make a decision...
So today at 3 pm, after my 12:40 class i have my second exam for the week. I studied last nite but fer sure i have to go over all my flash cards today. So i about 10 mins ill have a good 2 hours to memorize all of them. AHHHHH...
Oh so today after voting and such i went to the cafe to go grab something to eat since i only had special k before i left..
and guess what i got...COFFEE. Lately, i've been wanting some...i guess it all started Sunday night when i was dead tired i just needed a kicker to keep me awake but didnt get to drink any since it was so late at night...and last nite i went to bed around midnight so i had a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep, im sure i heard my alarm go off at 7 this morning but i dont recall turning it off..anyways so i fu-filled my craving by gettng some today. It wasnt amazing or anything but i guess i CAN stand drinking it now. So if anyone wants to make a coffee date...ill actually get some this time (maybe) instead of tea or hot chocolate. =D haha...but i still rather have green tea than coffee...anywhoooo..
Today is Tuesday, im not sure what else i have to do other than my classes, exam and meet my group for a bit for my project...i have to study for my Anthro Exam tomorrow...and read ALL the freaking articles..oh my goodness..but i think ill be okay...Thank God. Seriously. So last nite i had an odd dream. I was trying to figure it out all morning about what it was..but i dont recall, usually i do. HMM...once i figure it out ill post it or something.

A side note: this weather is making me so cheery. I dont care how stressed i am..and i dont care how many exams i have this week...this sunny weather/nice breeze/ calm air...ahhh makes me so smiley! =D

i wish it would end. I really want it too...i never realized there was a war, until i found out someone i love may possibly have to be apart of it....But i guess thats not something to think about right this minute...i just want to get through this day
Hopefully the next pres will do it right and pull out...:(

Parents update:
Okay so i guess im a little better with being patient with the parents. But honestly my father drives me nuts sometime. Like last was just...arguing over something stupid. Sometimes i wonder if he hears ANYTHING i say. he yells if he doesnt get what he wants. honestly he acts like a brat sometimes but i guess thats just parents. I love them to death...but please this older generation/being foreign doesnt help the matter. Especially with the traditional stubborness...ahh i guess im just waiting for God to work in him. Most of all work in me so i can be less quick to anger...we'll see...
OKAY enough updating..i mean really there isnt anything too exciting going on...


Monday, November 3, 2008

need sleep

Sunny Rain- Yiruma

Elle est tres mal =(

me so tired. T_T
so much for trying to look good on exam days haha

i've been listening to a lot of piano music lately...esp yiruma. He definitely writes a lot of good scores. I have two of his books and let me tell you they are not that easy. I take an hour to just read through it, not actually play it. haha pathetic i know...but his music makes me so relaxed...actually any soothing piano music does. I have three exams this week. And way to go Jane for putting them off until last nite. I was so tired, i just went to bed at 8..woke up at 11:15ish..didnt start studying until around midnight cause Josh and Kie stopped then after that started working on my study guide and notes for COM 275. I really hope my professor curves the grade for the first one cause i failed it. YES LITERALLY FAILED. i read all the chapters, highlighted, read some articles, made flash cards....and bombed it. There is something about exams that make people so nervous and end up just doing horrible. But today i have another one in this class, and im thinking its suppose to be a lot easier. If i get anything lower than a B ill freak out only because i cant stand failure. It makes me so BAHHH you know? This past weekend for Halloween i did not celebrate with the usual dressing up and partying that i do. Instead i stayed in with great company. :) Anyways so i went back to sleep around 2:30 last night and woke up at 8 this morning to do work. Its already 9:10...i havent exactly finished memorizing everything...i should really get on that instead of updating on this thing...but honestly i really just wanted to do a quick update. I did a lot of driving this past weekend...i think im happy without a car at school...yeah it sort of sucks but honestly driving makes me nervous now. I dont know why...but yeah. Another thing is, i really want to start getting into the swing of things with just fighting and wrestling for God. I know i talk about this often, but life has never felt more full or complete than it did this past summer....i found purpose..but thats all God gave me. He gave me some answers and now i have to go and fully use those answers to my potential. Im scared and nervous about school. I dont want to fail. I want to be the best that i can be. I want to do so many things, but if its not his will then i have no say. correct?

Im really excited for thanksgiving break and christmas break. I just really need to get through this month. But wow school is almost half way done. CRAZY. time flies really it does. i cant believe it. But hopefully through all that fast pace...i wont forget what's truth and lies. I want my eyes opened and filled with edifying and beautiful god created things. sigh. life. you love it or hate it. I have to say i cant hate it. i have to love it. it was a gift and i love presents. haha =D