Jane and Ashley day

SOOO finally got to hang out with Ashley! yay...she went to cancun for christmas that lucky poop. She came back last night and we spent some time v-chatting it up and playing isketch(sort of cheating on it) haha...butttt we made a video..since we havent in forever..skip it if you dont want to laugh =D

You Got Mail

Dear Friend,
I'm writing to all of you just to tell you. I am not emo. HAHA im so sorry that i come off that way. yes i have the "issues" in my life, and i probably shouldnt voice them out to the world wide web but it is what it is. There is no use in hiding my life. I want to live as a testimony to other people, so they know that...regular christians, strong faith believers do get the short end of the stick. I know i'm not happy with my life, but at the same time i'm so thankful. I apologize to all who feel uncomfortable reading what i write. I'm sure a lot of you love the random pictures/random posts(or not love)...in any case my life is not fabricated. It is short of being perfect but I try my best to get by. I want to say one thing though.
I am selfish.
I do selfish things without even noticing them. it was very Selfish of me for hating my brother, it is Selfish of me for wanting a better family life, it is Selfish of me to envy others.  I only say this because i know what it is to be humble.  I know what it is to feel Gods love even when i dont from the parents he has chosen for me.  I want to be a stronger person and grow in spirituality.  One problem though.  My pride.

I am a very proud person.  I like to show off my accomplishments, the people who i hang out with, the materialistic values i have, and the fact that i can overcome overbearing burdens.  I need to break that down.  It is not I who blessed myself with the things i am proud of.  It is God who has blessed me with all things possible in my life.  Just a thought.  A goal.  An insight of what my mind is thinking about at this very moment.

I miss Cosi smores. sigh..i guess ill just have to wait until i can make them again...
Which also leads me to why i started off my blog with Dear Friend.

Have any of you watched You Got Mail?  Starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?....I love that movie.  It reminds me so much of Stephen.  HAHA yeah i know, laugh at that statement.  It's true though.  I think of him as my dearest friend that i connect mostly to through the internet/skype due to distance.  It's like writing him a letter everyday.  There's something about talking to someone though paper and when in person.  I feel when you write, you can write something deeper and you know just that "man that was good" feeling.  Like quotes, I love quotes.  The clever ones.  The deep ones.  The ones that make so much sense in one or two sentences.  I like Audrey Hepburn. Not because of her acting, but because of the things she says.  It's witty, clever, and it makes so much sense.  She sounds incredibly intelligent even though she may or may not be.  The point is.  I want to say things on paper, have people look at it and go "man that was good" and feel satisfied knowing, someone else could make sense of what i was saying.

Alrighty, well New years is almost here! WOOWOO.  We'll make a list of things later on as to what i want for the new year.

Oh BTW. i changed the layout yet again. I thought that it was time to move away from the Christmas theme since it has passed. Now its the more sophisticated Jane. hehe =D

So saturday.

Typical lazy day. things have calmed down with the family over night. Except i still feel a lot of bitterness. Lately ive been getting really weird dreams..with very random people. I dont understand why. Oh well haha...i wish i were the older sister..that would have been a lot of fun. Anyways...im off to go do Saturday things with Saturday people

toodles

The day after...

So you think Christmas might be bad, think again. The day after Christmas is the worse. Everyones exhausted about thinking for the holidays...I know this year i've thought about where my life was a year ago. My family was happier,a little more cheerful,and our circumstances werent as extreme. This year all i face is just the constant burden of what my family will do next and how ill feel about it. I'm honestly sick of what my parents do. I try to understand their part of it and i argue that they're doing the best they can. No. I realize now, my parents aren't doing their best in the right way. They aren't on their knees praying to God and asking for his blessings, they are taking things into their own hands and solemnly ruining their lives along with mine. Dramatic? I agree. I agree that my parents do the extreme in order to please their oldest son. They do whatever he wants in order to avoid one of his temper tantrums. Even if it runs them into debt. Even if it cuts down all their respects to a minimum. It disgusts me to watch my dad talk to my brother. My brother acts as if he has authority, his life is the center of the universe and it doesnt matter what it takes or what life hes going to break down in order to get what he wants. He's malicious and callous. I have so much bitterness towards him and i thought i forgave all that. I thought that i forgave all the wrong doings hes done in my life and i wanted to start a fresh again with him. There is no love left in my heart to just give away. I want to put a fortress around me so i cant get hurt anymore. He's so destructive and even though their is no physical harm towards me...all i feel is pain. I feel so stuck and frustrated and i dont know where to go, who to talk to what to say, how to explain things because all of this is so surreal. I deal with it and im going to keep on dealing with it because this is the life that God has chosen for me, for whatever reason that may be. All i want, all i truly want..is them to notice the cross. Feel the blood shed and to change their lives. I cant help it but to lose respect everyday and feel less love in my heart. I dont want to be cold. I really dont. I know my heart has the capacity to change many things. I just dont see why i cant help change the ones most dear to my life. Hopefully if i'm lucky this year, they'll remember me and maybe feel a little bit of regret of not knowing who i am. Maybe this year my parents will notice me and ask me how im doing in school. maybe this year my brother wont destruct anything in my home or break down another character trait that i love about my parents. These are my wishes. These are my prayers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wh does it seem that every Christmas, only the worse possible things can happen. I dont really like this season because it brings me so many burdens..and because its so "must have the christmas spirit", it's more of a let down when i know my family doesnt follow through with plans. I feel as though i am like Charlie Brown. He just never catches a break. He really doesnt. I hate sounding like a Debbie downer, but man oh man...things just dont fall into place at the times that i want them to. But then again..i promised myself i would struggle, just so i can praise God later for it. SO COME ON LIFE. WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE FOR ME.

Oh yeah and...
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!