The day after...

So you think Christmas might be bad, think again. The day after Christmas is the worse. Everyones exhausted about thinking for the holidays...I know this year i've thought about where my life was a year ago. My family was happier,a little more cheerful,and our circumstances werent as extreme. This year all i face is just the constant burden of what my family will do next and how ill feel about it. I'm honestly sick of what my parents do. I try to understand their part of it and i argue that they're doing the best they can. No. I realize now, my parents aren't doing their best in the right way. They aren't on their knees praying to God and asking for his blessings, they are taking things into their own hands and solemnly ruining their lives along with mine. Dramatic? I agree. I agree that my parents do the extreme in order to please their oldest son. They do whatever he wants in order to avoid one of his temper tantrums. Even if it runs them into debt. Even if it cuts down all their respects to a minimum. It disgusts me to watch my dad talk to my brother. My brother acts as if he has authority, his life is the center of the universe and it doesnt matter what it takes or what life hes going to break down in order to get what he wants. He's malicious and callous. I have so much bitterness towards him and i thought i forgave all that. I thought that i forgave all the wrong doings hes done in my life and i wanted to start a fresh again with him. There is no love left in my heart to just give away. I want to put a fortress around me so i cant get hurt anymore. He's so destructive and even though their is no physical harm towards me...all i feel is pain. I feel so stuck and frustrated and i dont know where to go, who to talk to what to say, how to explain things because all of this is so surreal. I deal with it and im going to keep on dealing with it because this is the life that God has chosen for me, for whatever reason that may be. All i want, all i truly want..is them to notice the cross. Feel the blood shed and to change their lives. I cant help it but to lose respect everyday and feel less love in my heart. I dont want to be cold. I really dont. I know my heart has the capacity to change many things. I just dont see why i cant help change the ones most dear to my life. Hopefully if i'm lucky this year, they'll remember me and maybe feel a little bit of regret of not knowing who i am. Maybe this year my parents will notice me and ask me how im doing in school. maybe this year my brother wont destruct anything in my home or break down another character trait that i love about my parents. These are my wishes. These are my prayers.